Positive Intent
Do you see ALL things from a perspective of positive intent and love? The truth is, most of us don't and this will be a work in progress at ALL times. When someone pulls out in front of you, you're first thought is probably "that stupid idiot". But if you look at it from a perspective of love and positive intent, it could be that they received a phone call with news of a family emergency. You should wish them well instead of cussing them out. This allows you to maintain your composure and model that for your children, because losing your cool and yelling and becoming a road raging nut allows your power to be given to the other driver. The reality of that situation is that the other driver was more than likely texting & driving, or just not paying attention, or experiencing road rage themselves. So the "stupid idiot" comment was probably accurate. However, negative, hurtful thoughts only trigger us to downshift from the executive state to the limbic system, and finally the brain stem. Before we know it, these rages and negative thoughts have us in the survival state and completely in a fight or flight situation. Attributing negative intent to behaviors get our composure all out of sorts. So, for your own sanity, attribute positive intent to all events. Right, wrong, or otherwise, assigning positive intent to other people's behaviors allows us to have a perspective of love and helpfulness. Attributing positive intent allows us to maintain composure and problem solve. And, remember the other person's intent is NOT about you. The driver pulled out in front of you because they were distracted or in an emergency situation, regardless it wasn't to mess up your mojo.
When we are working with kids, we need to remember their little worlds are all about them and getting their needs and wants met. It is NOT about us. I have often thought to myself and even verbalized that Olivia just wants to give me a hard time and make things difficult for me, when that is the farthest thing from the truth. Her intentions are NOT about me. When she is being the very high maintenance child she can be, it's simply because she has the personality that requires a lot of attention and is needy at times. Her fussing and whining is NOT about me, it's how she knows to get her needs met. So me getting frustrated and assigning the negative intent that she is just trying to give me a hard time is such a counterproductive behavior for me to model for her. It takes the importance of her needs away, so she will either fight or flight, she will power struggle with me (which happens most of the time), or she will succumb to my over reacting and not get her needs met at all. Instead of me seeing her behaviors as negative, I should see them as a call for help or love, and teach her a replacement skill. I could say "You wanted to show me something that was important to you. You may not interrupt me by whining when I'm on the phone. When you want my attention or to show me something, you must wait until I'm off the phone. You can quietly say "mom, when you're off the phone, I'd like to show you something" if you want to let me know it's important to you."
There are so many behaviors we see in our children and students. Just remember to see the positive intent in every child's behavior and try to find the function of the behavior, what does this behavior do for this child. All behaviors are a call for help or love. When a 4 year old takes the blocks from a classmate, do you see their intent as being greedy and mean to their classmate or as wanting to play with the blocks and not realizing how to ask for them? Most children are in their own little world, looking to get their needs and wants met, and they typically don't have empathy or see things from another person's perspective. They need to be taught skills on how to get those blocks appropriately. "You wanted to play with the blocks. You may not snatch blocks from your friends. Snatching is not kind. When you want to play with the blocks, you must wait your turn or ask to play with your friends."
Always see the world through lenses of love!
When we are working with kids, we need to remember their little worlds are all about them and getting their needs and wants met. It is NOT about us. I have often thought to myself and even verbalized that Olivia just wants to give me a hard time and make things difficult for me, when that is the farthest thing from the truth. Her intentions are NOT about me. When she is being the very high maintenance child she can be, it's simply because she has the personality that requires a lot of attention and is needy at times. Her fussing and whining is NOT about me, it's how she knows to get her needs met. So me getting frustrated and assigning the negative intent that she is just trying to give me a hard time is such a counterproductive behavior for me to model for her. It takes the importance of her needs away, so she will either fight or flight, she will power struggle with me (which happens most of the time), or she will succumb to my over reacting and not get her needs met at all. Instead of me seeing her behaviors as negative, I should see them as a call for help or love, and teach her a replacement skill. I could say "You wanted to show me something that was important to you. You may not interrupt me by whining when I'm on the phone. When you want my attention or to show me something, you must wait until I'm off the phone. You can quietly say "mom, when you're off the phone, I'd like to show you something" if you want to let me know it's important to you."
There are so many behaviors we see in our children and students. Just remember to see the positive intent in every child's behavior and try to find the function of the behavior, what does this behavior do for this child. All behaviors are a call for help or love. When a 4 year old takes the blocks from a classmate, do you see their intent as being greedy and mean to their classmate or as wanting to play with the blocks and not realizing how to ask for them? Most children are in their own little world, looking to get their needs and wants met, and they typically don't have empathy or see things from another person's perspective. They need to be taught skills on how to get those blocks appropriately. "You wanted to play with the blocks. You may not snatch blocks from your friends. Snatching is not kind. When you want to play with the blocks, you must wait your turn or ask to play with your friends."
Always see the world through lenses of love!