Choices, Choices, Choices
It is a hard truth to accept, but the only person you can MAKE change is yourself. You can help lead people into choices that cause change, but you cannot control others, including children, in an emotionally healthy way.
Please understand that you do not give kids a choice about everything! For example, I can say "Owen, it's bath time." And he usually says "yes ma'am" and goes to the tub. Olivia likes a little more control. When I tell her it's bath time, she usually says in a minute, or I'm not ready yet, etc.... So, I could MAKE her get in the tub by force and argue her down or punish her if she doesn't go right away, OR I could give her a simple choice that gives her some control (reverse psychology at it's best!). My response should be "You have to go now to get a bath, but you can choose to use a purple washcloth or a pink one. Which works better for you?" Or "You have to bathe now, but you have a choice, you can wash your hair first or bathe with the washcloth, which would you like to start with?" Almost always, the child will feel that you are giving them some control and will choose one of those options and comply. You see, I didn't give her a choice of when to bathe, but how.
So, if a child in your classroom has to stay in from recess to complete last night's homework, but they are resisting, you don't give them the option of going to recess or staying in now, you give them a choice of where they'd like to work, what they'd like to start with, reading or math, or even what they will write with, pencil or pen.
When they refuse to choose, you say "I've given you your choices. Now, you must choose. If you can't decide I'll choose for you, which will it be?" Usually, they will take that last bit of control and go ahead an make a choice. You cannot give kids a choice about everything under the sun. That is not the intent of this skill. The intent of it is when you have a child who is not compliant, you give them a reasonable choice of how to do what you want them to do, not the choice of doing it or not or even when. The intent also is for you to understand the power of freewill and how the more a child feels in control, the more they will do what needs to be done. This also instills a sense of independence in our children, which we want them to possess. You may say for independent math work, you may start with evens or odds, whichever is best for you. Give as much control as possible, but with clear limits drawn.
Please understand that you do not give kids a choice about everything! For example, I can say "Owen, it's bath time." And he usually says "yes ma'am" and goes to the tub. Olivia likes a little more control. When I tell her it's bath time, she usually says in a minute, or I'm not ready yet, etc.... So, I could MAKE her get in the tub by force and argue her down or punish her if she doesn't go right away, OR I could give her a simple choice that gives her some control (reverse psychology at it's best!). My response should be "You have to go now to get a bath, but you can choose to use a purple washcloth or a pink one. Which works better for you?" Or "You have to bathe now, but you have a choice, you can wash your hair first or bathe with the washcloth, which would you like to start with?" Almost always, the child will feel that you are giving them some control and will choose one of those options and comply. You see, I didn't give her a choice of when to bathe, but how.
So, if a child in your classroom has to stay in from recess to complete last night's homework, but they are resisting, you don't give them the option of going to recess or staying in now, you give them a choice of where they'd like to work, what they'd like to start with, reading or math, or even what they will write with, pencil or pen.
When they refuse to choose, you say "I've given you your choices. Now, you must choose. If you can't decide I'll choose for you, which will it be?" Usually, they will take that last bit of control and go ahead an make a choice. You cannot give kids a choice about everything under the sun. That is not the intent of this skill. The intent of it is when you have a child who is not compliant, you give them a reasonable choice of how to do what you want them to do, not the choice of doing it or not or even when. The intent also is for you to understand the power of freewill and how the more a child feels in control, the more they will do what needs to be done. This also instills a sense of independence in our children, which we want them to possess. You may say for independent math work, you may start with evens or odds, whichever is best for you. Give as much control as possible, but with clear limits drawn.